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Why Small Moments Matter
Have you ever found yourself in the middle of a hectic day, feeling like there’s no time to stop and breathe, let alone connect meaningfully with the people you love? Between work deadlines, errands, and managing life’s endless demands, it’s easy for relationships to slip into autopilot. We assume the big gestures—like planning a romantic weekend getaway or buying an expensive gift—are what keep relationships alive. But the truth? The small, everyday moments often matter the most when it comes to building connection.
These moments, called bids for connection, are the little ways we reach out to say, “I’m here. Do you see me?” It might be a casual remark about an interesting article, a quick “Can you help me with this?” or even a sigh of frustration. How we respond to these bids can either strengthen our relationships or slowly, unintentionally, create distance.
The good news? Building connection doesn’t require sweeping changes. You don’t have to carve out hours in your already packed schedule. It’s about noticing and responding to the little things—the fleeting opportunities to turn toward your partner instead of away.
What Are Bids for Connection?
Let’s start by understanding what a bid for connection looks like. Bids come in all shapes and sizes. They might be verbal, like saying, “Hey, listen to this,” or nonverbal, like a warm smile or a lingering touch. They can be obvious, such as asking for help with a chore, or subtle, like a deep sigh at the dinner table.
Here’s the key: bids for connection are invitations to engage. They’re small, everyday ways we say, “I want to feel close to you.”
Now imagine this scenario: Your partner is scrolling through their phone and casually says, “This article is interesting.” How do you respond? You might:
- Look up and ask, “Oh yeah? What’s it about?” → Turning toward.
- Keep working on your email and barely glance up. → Turning away.
- Snap back with, “Can’t you see I’m busy?” → Turning against.
Which response do you think helps in building connection? It’s probably obvious, but here’s where it gets interesting: in real life, even the best couples don’t turn toward every single time. And that’s okay! What matters is how often you do.
Why Building Connection Matters
Think of your relationship like an emotional bank account. Each time you respond positively to a bid for connection, you’re making a deposit. These deposits build trust, warmth, and resilience. Over time, they create a safety net that helps your relationship withstand life’s inevitable challenges.
On the flip side, when bids are ignored or met with frustration, it’s like making a withdrawal. Too many withdrawals without enough deposits can leave your relationship in emotional debt, making it harder to navigate conflicts and challenges.
Research from the Love Lab, a renowned relationship study, shows just how powerful this concept is. Couples who stay together respond to their partner’s bids about 86% of the time. In contrast, couples who eventually divorce only respond about 33% of the time. That’s a staggering difference.
This means the small, everyday interactions—pausing to smile, asking about their day, or saying “thank you”—are far more influential than grand gestures. It’s the consistent turning toward, not the occasional big moment, that strengthens relationships and builds connection. Read more about emotional safety here.
How to Recognize Bids
Bids for connection can be easy to miss, especially in the chaos of daily life. Here are some common examples to look out for:
- A sigh that says, “I’m overwhelmed.”
- A comment like, “Look at this!” or “Listen to this.”
- Eye contact that lingers a moment longer than usual.
- A playful touch on the arm or back.
- Asking for help with something small, like carrying groceries.
- Seeming frustrated, sad, or distracted.
These moments might seem trivial, but each one is an opportunity to build connection. When you start noticing them, you’ll be surprised at how many bids you and your partner exchange every day.
The Power of Small Acts
You might be wondering, “If these moments are so small, do they really make a difference?” The answer is a resounding yes.
Imagine this: you’re in the middle of making dinner, and your partner walks in with a tired sigh. You could ignore them, assuming they’ll shake it off. Or, you could pause for just a moment and ask, “Hey, you okay?” That one question might take five seconds, but it shows you care—and that matters more than you think.
Here’s another way to think about it: relationships are built in the little moments. It’s not the grand vacations or expensive gifts that sustain love (though those can be nice, too). It’s the kiss on the cheek as you leave for work, the quick “How’s your day going?” text, and the shared laugh over an inside joke. These small acts are the foundation for building connection that lasts.
Practical Ways to Build Connection
Ready to start building connection in your relationship? Here are some simple, actionable ways to turn toward your partner every day:
1. The Ten-Minute Check-In
Set aside ten minutes each day to ask your partner, “Is there anything you need from me today?” This simple question does three things:
- It gives your partner space to reflect on their needs.
- It shows you care about supporting them.
- It strengthens your bond by creating a daily ritual of connection.
2. Pick Up the Pennies
Throughout your day, look for small bids for connection. These might include:
- A smile or eye contact.
- A direct request for help.
- A comment like, “Look at that!” or “Hey, listen to this.” Each time you turn toward these bids, you’re adding to your emotional bank account and building connection.
3. Pause During Conflict
When tensions rise, it’s easy to withdraw or lash out. Instead, try pausing and turning toward your partner. Acknowledge their feelings and look for ways to reconnect, even in the middle of a disagreement.
4. Celebrate Small Wins
Did your partner have a good day at work? Did they finally fix that leaky faucet? Celebrate these moments together. A quick “I’m proud of you” or “That’s awesome!” can go a long way in building connection.
5. Practice Gratitude
Make it a habit to thank your partner for the little things, like making coffee or folding the laundry. Gratitude reinforces positive behavior and strengthens your bond.
Troubleshooting Common Challenges
What if you notice your partner makes a bid for connection, but you’re too busy or distracted to respond? It happens to everyone. The key is to acknowledge the bid and let them know you’ll come back to it later. For example, you might say, “I really want to hear about this, but I need to finish this email first. Can we talk about it over dinner?”
On the flip side, what if your bids are ignored? If it happens occasionally, give your partner some grace—they might be tired or overwhelmed. But if it becomes a pattern, gently bring it up: “I’ve been trying to connect with you, but I feel like I’m not getting much back. Is something on your mind?”
It’s Never Too Late to Start Building Connection
If you’ve been feeling disconnected, don’t worry—it’s never too late to turn things around. Think of building connection like steering a ship. At first, the changes might feel small, almost imperceptible. But with consistent effort, you’ll find yourself on a completely different course, one that leads to greater closeness and trust.
Start today. Pick up the pennies. Notice the small bids for connection and respond with warmth and attention. Over time, these tiny acts will add up to something big—a relationship that feels strong, supported, and full of love.
You’ve got this.
Reference
Gottman, J. M., & Gottman, J. S. (2022). The Love Prescription: Seven Days to More Intimacy, Connection, and Joy. Penguin Life.
