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Understanding sexual wellness and desire can significantly enhance intimacy and connection in your relationship. Emily Nagoski’s book, “Come as You Are,” provides profound insights into sexual health, helping couples reconnect and understand each other better. As a couples therapist focusing on the Gottman Method, I have found this book to be an invaluable resource for couples seeking to improve their relationships. In this blog, we will explore the key concepts from “Come as You Are” and offer practical advice on how to apply these principles to strengthen your relationship and deepen your connection.
Overview of “Come as You Are”
“Come as You Are” dives deep into the complex world of sexual desire, showing us that everyone’s experience is different. Think of it like music: some people might respond to a fast beat, while others prefer a slow melody. Emily Nagoski, a well-known sex educator, uses this idea to explain how sexual desire works differently for everyone. Her book is backed by solid research but written in a way that’s easy and fun to read.
Key Insights from the Book
Emily Nagoski introduces the dual control model of sexual response, which is like driving a car. Imagine you have a gas pedal (the sexual accelerator) and a brake pedal (the sexual brakes).
The sexual accelerator is what gets you going. It’s like when you hear your favorite song and you can’t help but start dancing. For some people, this might be a certain kind of touch, a romantic setting, or even just a sexy thought. On the other hand, the sexual brakes are what slow you down or stop you altogether. This can be anything from stress and worries to feeling unsafe or self-conscious, much like how a red light or traffic jam makes you hit the brakes.
Understanding these two systems can help couples figure out what turns them on and what turns them off. For instance, if you’re feeling stressed from work, it’s like driving with one foot on the brake. By recognizing this, you can find ways to ease off the brakes and enjoy the ride more.
Context is another crucial factor that Nagoski discusses. Think about how different you feel in different environments. If you’re at a noisy, chaotic concert, you might feel energized, but at a messy, cluttered home, you might feel stressed. Similarly, sexual desire depends a lot on context. If you’re relaxed and in a cozy, private setting, you’re more likely to feel turned on. But if you’re anxious, distracted, or in an uninviting environment, it’s like trying to relax in the middle of a busy street – it’s just not going to happen.
Emily also stresses the importance of self-compassion. Imagine you’re learning a new skill, like playing the piano. If you criticize every mistake harshly, you’re likely to feel discouraged and stop trying. But if you approach it with kindness and patience, recognizing that mistakes are part of the learning process, you’ll improve and enjoy it more. The same goes for sexual experiences. By being kind to yourself and understanding that everyone’s sexual journey is unique, you reduce shame and increase pleasure. This means accepting that fluctuations in desire are normal and not beating yourself up over them.
Practical Applications of “Come as You Are”
With the insights from “Come as You Are” in mind, you can make meaningful changes in your relationship to enhance intimacy and connection. Here are some actionable steps, complete with analogies and examples, to help you get started.
Open Conversations
Imagine your sexual relationship as a playlist. Just as you would share your favorite songs with your partner to create a perfect mix, spend time discussing what turns you on and what turns you off. This understanding can help you create a better “playlist” for your relationship. For example, you might find that certain types of touch or specific settings act as accelerators, increasing your desire. Conversely, stress or negative body image might be brakes, decreasing your desire. By openly discussing these factors, you can better understand each other’s needs and preferences.
External Resource: For more tips on improving communication in relationships, visit the Gottman Institute.
Managing Stress
Think of stress as background noise that constantly distracts you. Just as it’s hard to enjoy your favorite music when there’s static, stress can interfere with your ability to connect intimately. Finding ways to reduce this noise, like practicing mindfulness, exercising, or talking things out, can help you focus on enjoying your time together. For instance, if work stress is a major brake for you, practicing relaxation techniques before intimate moments can help lower that noise, making it easier to connect with your partner.
External Resource: Explore mindfulness techniques on Mindful.org.
Creating a Supportive Environment
Creating a supportive environment is like setting the stage for a performance. If the stage is well-lit, the audience is quiet, and the actors are confident, the performance is likely to be a success. Similarly, an inviting and comfortable space can greatly enhance your sexual experiences.
- Set Aside Time: Just as you would schedule a date night, set aside time specifically for intimacy without distractions. This might mean turning off your phones, setting up a comfortable and inviting space, and ensuring you both feel relaxed. It’s like planning a special evening where you can focus solely on each other.
- Create a Romantic Setting: Think of your favorite romantic movie scenes. They often involve soft lighting, soothing music, and a cozy atmosphere. You can recreate this at home with candles, dimmed lights, and your favorite love songs. A well-prepared setting can make intimate moments feel special and memorable.
- Ensure Comfort and Safety: Feeling safe and comfortable is like having a solid foundation for your house. Without it, everything else can feel shaky. Make sure both partners feel respected, comfortable, and secure in the environment you create. This could mean having a conversation about boundaries and ensuring both of you feel heard and valued.
Practicing Self-Compassion
Approach your sexual experiences with the same kindness and understanding you would offer a close friend. Imagine you’re learning to ride a bike. If you fall, you wouldn’t berate yourself – you’d get back up and try again, understanding that falls are part of the process.
- Acknowledge Fluctuations: Sexual desire isn’t a constant; it ebbs and flows like the tide. Some days you might feel more desire, while other days you might not. Recognize that this is normal and that both you and your partner are on a journey together. Understanding these natural fluctuations can reduce pressure and enhance your overall experience.
- Be Kind to Yourself: If things don’t go as planned, avoid harsh self-criticism. Instead, be gentle with yourself, understanding that it’s okay to have off days. This approach reduces pressure and enhances pleasure, much like how a relaxed musician plays better than one who is stressed and anxious. Treat yourself with the same compassion you would extend to a dear friend. Read more about how to connect with your internal world.
Enhancing Emotional Connection
Building a strong emotional connection is like constructing a bridge between you and your partner. The stronger the bridge, the easier it is to connect.
- Regular Date Nights: Think of these as regular maintenance for your bridge. Spend quality time together, enjoying each other’s company without distractions. This could be as simple as a cozy dinner at home or a night out at your favorite restaurant. These moments help reinforce your bond and create a sense of togetherness.
- Engage in Hobbies Together: Shared activities are like adding planks to your bridge, making it stronger. Whether it’s cooking, hiking, or dancing, engaging in hobbies together fosters closeness and teamwork. These shared experiences create common ground and deepen your connection.
- Deep, Meaningful Conversations: Imagine these conversations as the bolts that hold your bridge together. Talk about your dreams, fears, and feelings. Sharing your inner world with your partner builds intimacy and trust, much like how friends become closer when they share their secrets. These deep conversations can help you understand each other on a more profound level.
By integrating these practical tips from “Come as You Are” into your relationship, you can create a more intimate and connected partnership. These steps guide you toward a happier and more fulfilling relationship, much like following a well-marked map. Enhancing both your emotional and sexual connection will lead to a stronger bond and a more satisfying partnership. Read more about creating a strong emotional connection.
Integrating the Gottman Method
The Gottman Method is a research-based approach to couples therapy that emphasizes building a strong foundation of friendship, managing conflict constructively, and creating shared meaning. Here’s how you can integrate the Gottman Method with the insights from “Come as You Are”:
Build Love Maps
Love maps are a way of understanding your partner’s inner world. By knowing their likes, dislikes, dreams, and fears, you can build a deeper connection. Discuss your sexual accelerators and brakes to enhance your love maps.
Share Fondness and Admiration
Regularly express appreciation and admiration for your partner. Positive affirmations can strengthen your bond and create a more supportive environment for exploring sexual desires.
Turn Towards Each Other
In moments of conflict or stress, turn towards each other rather than away. This means engaging in open communication and seeking to understand your partner’s perspective, especially regarding sexual needs and desires.
Manage Conflict
All couples experience conflict, but it’s how you manage it that matters. Use the principles from “Come as You Are” to discuss sexual issues calmly and constructively, avoiding criticism and defensiveness.
Create Shared Meaning
Develop rituals and traditions that enhance your relationship. This could include regular date nights, celebrating anniversaries, or creating intimate moments that reinforce your connection.
For more information on the Gottman Method, read this article.
Conclusion
“Come as You Are” by Emily Nagoski offers invaluable insights into sexual desire and wellness, providing practical advice for couples looking to enhance their intimacy and connection. By understanding and applying these principles, couples can create a more fulfilling and satisfying sexual relationship. Integrating these concepts with the Gottman Method helps build a stronger foundation of communication, trust, and emotional connection. Remember, the key to a joyful and intimate relationship lies in understanding, compassion, and continuous growth together.
Reference:
Nagoski, E. (2015). Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life. Simon & Schuster.
